tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.comments2020-07-21T21:05:40.860-07:00Hoarder's ChildElizabeth Suttonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13711012142902318176noreply@blogger.comBlogger113125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-83348427588575842562013-08-14T17:05:20.499-07:002013-08-14T17:05:20.499-07:00The whole "love the sinner, hate the sin"...The whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" line is SO much easier accomplished when you aren't the direct target of the sin. Had you grown up being the next-door neighbor's kid, I doubt you'd be suffering so much conflict about what "should" be. I hope you find a way to a peaceful mental place on this.<br /><br />I have no experience with hoarding, only what's been on TV lately. While looking for organizing/decluttering sites, I started running across children of hoarder blogs. Yes, I used to watch those shows with a good dose of "omg - how can they live like that?!" attitude. After reading blogs like yours, now it's with extreme sadness now that I know more about the full horror for the kids (no matter what their age) involved. Thank you for writing about it. Kicking the problem out into the light is the only way it will be taken seriously.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-40065160505860027592013-08-02T08:13:02.117-07:002013-08-02T08:13:02.117-07:00My parents were not 'extreme' hoarders, th...My parents were not 'extreme' hoarders, they are more of your garden variety...1 or 2 rooms filled kind of hoarders. But your list was spot on. I learned no routines, and I still struggle with a messy house. I have good friends that help me, and a cleaning lady every two weeks that catches up the things I miss. I am 45 and when I lived at home we lived in a hoard. Then I fell in love with a hoarder for 13 years of the roller coaster that loving a full on obsessive compulsive hoarder means...10 years in I moved back home with my parents...with my stuff in garbage bags...it took two years to get well, I sorted the garbage bags, dumped my boyfriend, met a wonderful man who is organized beyond a fault, fell in love and had no problems until I gave birth to 3 little mess mongers.<br /><br />My mission everyday is to keep my children from being hoarders.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-90748045978733905752013-07-31T01:29:11.623-07:002013-07-31T01:29:11.623-07:00I must say that this resonated with me very much a...I must say that this resonated with me very much as I am in a similar position in my own life...the only difference being that I haven't quite figured out that last bit...the whole last paragraph there.. how did you do it?? & good for you!! :) Enjoyed this post very much. and will be thinking on how to better practice my own self preservation. Thanks for the inspiration!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-61631689465889991252013-07-27T18:01:59.038-07:002013-07-27T18:01:59.038-07:00Well done, it's a difficult journey. Thanks fo...Well done, it's a difficult journey. Thanks for sharing *hugs*Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03706633342988044275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-25044660700171152942013-06-20T15:33:17.268-07:002013-06-20T15:33:17.268-07:00APS called me to come get mthr when she was weak a...APS called me to come get mthr when she was weak and dying from cancer, wandering around the other side of town from her home. She was compliant, and we were able to have a doc sign her into a memory care unit. We have POA, so we are able to use her money to pay for her care. For the first time in at least 40 years, she has heat and hot water, and someone else is fixing food for her. She can interact as she likes. She still hoards - she hangs up paper towels, saves toilet paper cores as door stop *and writes "doorstop" on them!*, but I don't have to see her ever if I don't want. Perfect solution. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-16852407728491507562013-06-09T10:41:23.186-07:002013-06-09T10:41:23.186-07:00Thank you for sharing this, I am also going throug...Thank you for sharing this, I am also going through this incredibly hard journey of self reflection and growth now that I have a family of my own and trying to figure out why it is so easy for others to have a clean house and I have no clue. I excel in some many other things but keeping a house is not one of them, no I'm realizing I was never taught them growing up in hoarding household. Thank you for the insight. Good luck to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-25136916894714499382013-05-29T17:48:58.252-07:002013-05-29T17:48:58.252-07:00I was the child who lived in the dirty house who a...I was the child who lived in the dirty house who always played alone,<br />I was the child who's greatest fear was that secret would be made known.<br />I was the child who hid from friends and always made excuses,<br />I was the child who felt insecure, inadequate and useless.<br />I was the child whose mother was a hoarder.<br />I was the child who craved normality and order.<br />I was the child who formed no bonds because i feared exposing.<br />I was the child who held it in to the point i was imploding.<br />I was the child who was bullied and taunted.<br />I was the child who felt different and haunted. <br />I was the child who was miserable.<br />I was the child who became invisible. <br />I was the child who grew older. <br />I am the adult with the chip on my shoulder.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-942273106966668122013-05-27T09:20:06.827-07:002013-05-27T09:20:06.827-07:00I'm still learning how to clean consistently, ...I'm still learning how to clean consistently, almost 9 years after moving out of my mother's house. If I slack off and say, not wash the dishes one day, the next day seeing the pile nearly sends me into a panic attack. My husband doesn't understand even though he knows how I grew up. Thanks for writing this. I'm not public with how I grew up so finding blogs like yours makes me feel less alone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-54333419263620830832013-05-24T12:24:15.552-07:002013-05-24T12:24:15.552-07:00I just found your blog after google searching some...I just found your blog after google searching something about "hoarder's child confrontation." I am amazed - I had no idea that the conversation theme was also a part of the package. It feels as though nearly every conversation with my mother includes some form of "Woe is me" or "I'm trying to declutter x room in the house" or "One of these days..."<br />I really do try not to say anything, painful as it is to listen. Today I talked back and it blew up big time and was so painful. Somehow, in a twisted way, it helps to know that there is a pattern of behavior that other children of hoarders also have gone through ....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-5883323658057301382013-05-22T16:08:47.012-07:002013-05-22T16:08:47.012-07:00You are not alone. You are not alone. iSpiritDancerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06005367041527909798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-24249707820273714802013-05-13T10:02:30.596-07:002013-05-13T10:02:30.596-07:00I think you should rethink the phrase, "bad d...I think you should rethink the phrase, "bad daughter". It's important to consider what you think a "good" daughter is and to live by those standards. It sounds like you are judging your "goodness" based on HER criteria and know how faulty that is. <br /><br />I am the daughter of a bipolar narcissist but I raised by my mentally ill, abusive hoarding grandmother. The double whammy, I has it. <br /><br />I have played parent to my mother for many years and it was a very toxic for me. Severing my sense of self worth from her behavior is one of the most difficult things I've ever done and it will be a lifetime process of failure and correction. My mantra is, "I am not my mother's keeper and her behavior does not define who I am". <br /><br />In a way, I have been my own parent for a long time and as a self-mom, I know what kind of daughter is a "good" daughter. A good daughter is strong, smart, thoughtful, kind. Is her own person and is able to make the tough decisions and deal with the consequeces. She is honest and forthright and isn't passive aggressive. She knows she will make mistakes and doesn't beat herself up for every failure. She is someone who knows when to apologize and when to stand her ground. She is someone who doesn't surround herself with negativity or allow herself to be victimized. She knows how to take care of herself and how to say "no" and when to set boundaries. <br /><br />Don't label yourself as "bad" and add all the judgment and shame of that word on yourself. Not being a doormat to someone who is unstable and who will abuse you physically or emotionally is not an indicator of your badness, it's an indication of their inability to value you. <br /><br />Their skewed perception does not define you. <br />Miss Moppethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12761363911430341458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-87956109834719319052013-05-02T12:17:58.096-07:002013-05-02T12:17:58.096-07:00It's nearly another painful Mother's Day a...It's nearly another painful Mother's Day again. I think Elizabeth should re-post this blog column.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-12015558327110763952013-04-28T06:37:09.529-07:002013-04-28T06:37:09.529-07:00Oh the craziness. I don't think my mother was...Oh the craziness. I don't think my mother was quite as bad. But what about the voice in your own head of keeping stuff because "it might come in handy". I have one jar of rubber bands, and 6 glass jars and thats it. Today I threw out an old, stretched out grey tank top while the "voice" was saying "might cut out the placket and sew it into a crafty pencil case, cut the fabric into cleaning cloths, use it as a toy for the puppy". I have worked through my issues enough that the voice was weak and the item was too far gone to donate for resale and it did go in the bin. But still the energy of this hoarding mentality is so strong. I have worked through it by tough love through a period of unwanted unemployment and I have gone to swap mart and sold things for a grand total of $20-30 profit for a mornings work. I have made crafty things and tried to sell them. I have sold some of my mothers craft supplies on EBay for 20% of what she paid. I am "over" thinking that these things we buy at retail price, actually have a resale value more than what people are prepared to pay, which is very little. I went to a hoarders house to buy something and she had so much gorgeous stuff I stayed for an hour, after I'd stuck to my budget of $150 for the day I only took away far less than 0.1% of her hoard ( which was clean and organised and set up like a shop in a four bedroom house containing one 85+ year old woman)<br />The other thing that makes my heart sink is when my mother says "oh I was a bit naughty I went and bought some new clothes today but I'm not sure if I like them" I say "well take them back for an exchange" " Oh its a bit bright but it was on sale and I might wear it under a coat". So she's 80 and still doesn't know what suits her, and happy to leave 100s or 1000s of dollars of unworn clothes in the wardrobe. Great. Thanks, Mother.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-86139103149418955962013-04-10T08:01:40.532-07:002013-04-10T08:01:40.532-07:00Hoarder's children don't learn how to keep...Hoarder's children don't learn how to keep a house clean. (I know, I know. Bow to the Queen of Stating the Obvious.) Not only do we not learn how to clean, but we also learn a complete lack of consistent routine; ironically, rampant perfectionism (of the "if you can't do it perfectly, you might as well not even start" variety); and a sense of being completely overwhelmed by life (hoarders aren't exactly known for teaching their kids how to break a task into smaller, accomplishable pieces).<br /><br />Omg, I kind of feel like crying reading this. It's so true. And it's so nice to know that I'm not alone. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-44769377616649000132013-03-12T00:18:06.369-07:002013-03-12T00:18:06.369-07:00I also have huge holes I'm my developmental me...I also have huge holes I'm my developmental memories. I was recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis so I was afraid it was related to the disease, even though MRIs have shown little damage. Thanks for posting this. It makes sense & is a lot less scary than the prospect of repressed trama or a broken brain.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-55934845463264759272013-02-26T03:27:09.283-08:002013-02-26T03:27:09.283-08:00I had to laugh at myself while reading this post. ...I had to laugh at myself while reading this post. In the middle of a paragraph I paused... glanced left and right around my apartment... "People wash their walls? Crap..."<br /><br />I think I'm in a similar middle ground as you - I'm really good at getting rid of 'stuff' and avoiding an emotional attachment to physical objects, but I do find myself lazy about making sure everything is super clean. I just don't notice. I have to focus and say "Ok this needs to go in the trash, this needs to be wiped down", etc.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-3416905773345070992013-02-26T03:13:10.971-08:002013-02-26T03:13:10.971-08:00Wow... this really hit home. I'm almost 30 now...Wow... this really hit home. I'm almost 30 now and every now and then I think 'is it weird I hardly remember anything from my childhood?'. Specific events here and there but it's kind of hazy, and almost anything before high school I really can't remember if it happened when I was 8 or 13, unless there is something specific to anchor it (say, playing an online game and knowing we didn't get internet till I was 12).<br /><br />I've made up various explanations for this... 'well I'm an only child and my parents don't really talk about the past, so maybe it's just because I never talked about it with anyone to reinforce and remember it.' was the latest. <br /><br />This makes sense though.. especially since the memories I have that are strongest are from very structured group activities I was involved in, like choir rehearsals. Even those events are a little hazy but I have a much better grasp of them than anything about my home life.<br /><br />If it ever comes up, I feel so odd - because I remember things like living with my grandmother for about a year in middle school. But I don't remember what year, or why, or what was going on. I also remember living with my dad for about 2 years, and my mom wasn't living with us, but I think she was still around. But I have no idea where she was living or what was going on, again I think in middle school.<br /><br />Things like that just seem like such huge gaps - how do you forget where your mom was for 2 years?! - but it doesn't feel like a trauma or something to be upset about. She was around, I still saw her, she was just living somewhere else I guess. <br /><br />Ah well.. thanks a lot for posting this. And your whole blog. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-2999435394553648482013-02-23T18:25:30.564-08:002013-02-23T18:25:30.564-08:00umm yes. although the script topics do change peri...umm yes. although the script topics do change periodically. <br />currently we are having the same conversation over and over about<br />-football (where I tell her I don't care about football and she proceeds to give me all her opinions on the subject anyway)<br />-whether or not so and so is racist and how racism is so awful (yes but why do we have to keep repeating this conversation?)<br />-whether other people she works with need to be on medication and/or are all out to get her <br />Christahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04838213305291826646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-9717490719673651582013-02-18T19:53:59.165-08:002013-02-18T19:53:59.165-08:00These are great tips and I love the pillowcase ide...These are great tips and I love the pillowcase idea, I will be using that one. With both my family and my own hoarding habits, I found some successful approaches as an adult that work. I share them in my book in hopes of helping others. The book is called "Zen of Hoarding" and I focus a lot on decision making since that is where many of us feel we need help. Thanks for checking it out at http:// www.zenofhoarding.com.Sairahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16535627888972566676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-39403336307011461702013-02-18T19:21:27.377-08:002013-02-18T19:21:27.377-08:00ElizAbeth
You mirror my feelings exactly and I tho...ElizAbeth<br />You mirror my feelings exactly and I thought I had minimal memories of my childhood but now I see it was my way of blocking out the bad times with my parents bitter marriage and the horrendous hoarding mom did<br />Your feelings really hit home with me!!!!<br />Signed Kentucky ladyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-26266308184287812062013-01-01T07:49:44.581-08:002013-01-01T07:49:44.581-08:00This is a great list. Cutting ourselves some slack...This is a great list. Cutting ourselves some slack is the most important thing, otherwise we feel like we've failed and we give up. Thanks for writing this. I'm sure there are more than a few COHs like me who had to learn for ourselves how to clean who are just today making a resolution to not live their parents' lives. May you have a clean and un-hoarded new year!<br />best, <br />joannaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03828440573673170480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-8951870200298818482012-12-31T01:59:01.706-08:002012-12-31T01:59:01.706-08:00Omgosh, my mom does the same thing when I try to t...Omgosh, my mom does the same thing when I try to talk to her about something...she always twists it around and makes it MY problem!<br />She's a hoarder, too, and it's frustrating because she's so eager for other ppl to get rid of their stuff but refuses to do the same with hers.<br />Currently she's in a panic because her cousin is coming to visit on Tuesday, and she's trying to move her crap upstairs so he won't see *all* of the mess...but there's no more room upstairs. I guess she'll try to cram it all in my room!<br />I, too, also have issues with setting boundaries and getting people to respect them. I refuse to date because of this. (That, and I don't want anyone to see the inside of the house I live in! Ha!)<br />Thanks for writing this blog, I've enjoyed reading it. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-63306413332410258522012-12-21T19:43:14.832-08:002012-12-21T19:43:14.832-08:00I just came across your blog and I feel the same w...I just came across your blog and I feel the same way. The only thing is I am going through Christmas right now with a hoarding bipolar mother. It is so painful. I am so glad I ran across you blog to know that I am not the only one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-11791277981916825902012-12-17T21:19:27.870-08:002012-12-17T21:19:27.870-08:00your mother sounds almost EXACTLY like mine, and t...your mother sounds almost EXACTLY like mine, and to be frank it feels dishonest to call her my "mother."<br /><br />THE BEST Christmas I ever had was 7 years ago when five months previously I called her and told her our relationship was over and why.<br /><br />People who are lucky enough to have never been in a toxic relationship don't understand this, they never will, and I'm glad for them.<br /><br />The only way to escape a narcissist (she sure walks, smells, and talks like one) is to remove them from your life. <br /><br />You're worth it, and better.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4692468684154097522.post-31616425793885624032012-12-10T10:43:53.833-08:002012-12-10T10:43:53.833-08:00You have an opportunity here to let go of your pas...You have an opportunity here to let go of your past and start filling your life with people who deserve to be there. Maybe cutting the toxic relationship you have with your Mom is exactly the kind of gift to give yourself this year. You can still have a Hallmark Christmas...it doesn't mean you have to include the people you happen to be related to. <br /><br />I know it's more than difficult to deal with all the emotions the holidays bring even when there aren't hostile fathers and delusional mothers involved. Good luck to you to find a balance that allows you to enjoy the holidays in your own way. :)Raehttp://notjustclutter.comnoreply@blogger.com