Monday, December 31, 2012

Cleanliness is next to what now?

Hoarder's children don't learn how to keep a house clean. (I know, I know. Bow to the Queen of Stating the Obvious.) Not only do we not learn how to clean, but we also learn a complete lack of consistent routine; ironically, rampant perfectionism (of the "if you can't do it perfectly, you might as well not even start" variety); and a sense of being completely overwhelmed by life (hoarders aren't exactly known for teaching their kids how to break a task into smaller, accomplishable pieces). That, plus my mother's voice in my head ("Everybody else knows how to do it. You're just really lazy") have made figuring out this home maintenance thing an uphill climb.

Here's the thing, though. As my personal life completely imploded over the last year or so, I began to realize how much living in chaos affects my outlook and stress level. Even if I have a well-developed case of hoarder's child clutter blindness, at some level I do register the mess and feel stressed by it. And so, fifteen years after leaving my mother's home, I set about really figuring out how to address this issue once and for all. Here are some of the highlights of what I've learned.

1. Cut yourself some slack. As a culture, we view people who don't keep their houses clean in a truly negative light. I really struggled to let go of viewing my messiness as a deep, personal flaw. What worked for me was to take a deep breath and replace my mother's voice ("What's wrong with you?") with something I would say to a friend in the same situation (usually, "Do you realize how much you've already gotten done today? No wonder you're tired"). Repeat about a million times, and you'll be on your way.

2. Have less stuff. Some children of hoarders go the stark minimalist route. Some, like me, just struggle with having a bit too much clutter. I now keep a Goodwill bag in my closet. When I come across something that isn't useful, loved, or beautiful, into the bag it goes. Every month or so, I donate the bag o' crap so it can go clutter someone else's house. Less stuff to maintain = less time cleaning = more freedom.

3. Learn how to clean. Read blogs and books about cleaning. Learning how other people do it not only demystifies the process, but makes it seem a lot more doable. It also lends itself to learning tips that streamline some of the little annoyances in your life. (Among my favorites? Store sheet sets in one of the matching pillowcases. It keeps your sheets together and negates the fact that you couldn't care less about folding the fitted sheet neatly! Another super-handy one is to keep a dish wand (the kind that stores cleaner in the handle and has a scrubber on the end) in the shower and wash it down while you're in there. My shower has never been cleaner!).

4. Ask a friend. A really good, non-judgmental friend. I've discovered that pretty much everyone I've talked to would like their house to be cleaner, which makes me feel better. For the really ridiculous questions, though, it's been great to be able to go to my best friend. She knows all about my hoarder mother and never makes me feel silly for asking questions I should probably know the answer to already. (How much time per day do you spend cleaning? Wait, you clean your washer?)

5. Figure out what works for you. There are about a million systems out there for keeping your house clean. I've had a bear of a time figuring out which one might work for me. They all seem so overwhelming. I finally started small, with setting a timer for 15 minutes a day and cleaning whatever was bothering me the most until it went off. Did I do this perfectly every day? Nope. Did it simplify things enough that I felt less paralyzed about just diving in and getting started? Yep. Recently, I've combined this strategy with matching a particular task and/or room to a day of the week. Cleaning on a rotating basis takes away the indecision and also makes me feel like I have a deadline. Vacuum on Sundays, deep-clean the kitchen on Mondays, living room on Tuesdays... (Full disclosure: I've tried this system before and always ended up quitting and feeling like a failure. If I was too tired or lazy or sick  to do the work on Monday or Tuesday, I'd tack it onto Wednesday's workload and pretty soon be so overwhelmed that I'd just throw in the towel. What makes this time different is that if I skip a day, I actually skip it. Didn't do laundry on Wednesday? No problem. The next laundry day is Saturday. I'll do it then.)

6. Perspective is key. I have a tendency to be an all-or-nothing thinker (again, thanks, Hoarder Mom!). "I didn't clean the house today" somehow turns into "I'll never figure out how to do this" which turns into "I'm a terrible person." Keeping things in perspective helps keep the emotionally charged topic of cleaning house from becoming, well, emotionally charged. If you can stop this train of thought in its tracks, "I didn't clean the house today" can become "Well, at least I finished the dinner dishes, and that's okay. Wait, I'm okay!" And that feels pretty good.


7 comments:

  1. This is a great list. Cutting ourselves some slack is the most important thing, otherwise we feel like we've failed and we give up. Thanks for writing this. I'm sure there are more than a few COHs like me who had to learn for ourselves how to clean who are just today making a resolution to not live their parents' lives. May you have a clean and un-hoarded new year!
    best,
    joanna

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  2. These are great tips and I love the pillowcase idea, I will be using that one. With both my family and my own hoarding habits, I found some successful approaches as an adult that work. I share them in my book in hopes of helping others. The book is called "Zen of Hoarding" and I focus a lot on decision making since that is where many of us feel we need help. Thanks for checking it out at http:// www.zenofhoarding.com.

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  3. Hoarder's children don't learn how to keep a house clean. (I know, I know. Bow to the Queen of Stating the Obvious.) Not only do we not learn how to clean, but we also learn a complete lack of consistent routine; ironically, rampant perfectionism (of the "if you can't do it perfectly, you might as well not even start" variety); and a sense of being completely overwhelmed by life (hoarders aren't exactly known for teaching their kids how to break a task into smaller, accomplishable pieces).

    Omg, I kind of feel like crying reading this. It's so true. And it's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

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  4. I'm still learning how to clean consistently, almost 9 years after moving out of my mother's house. If I slack off and say, not wash the dishes one day, the next day seeing the pile nearly sends me into a panic attack. My husband doesn't understand even though he knows how I grew up. Thanks for writing this. I'm not public with how I grew up so finding blogs like yours makes me feel less alone.

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  5. I was the child who lived in the dirty house who always played alone,
    I was the child who's greatest fear was that secret would be made known.
    I was the child who hid from friends and always made excuses,
    I was the child who felt insecure, inadequate and useless.
    I was the child whose mother was a hoarder.
    I was the child who craved normality and order.
    I was the child who formed no bonds because i feared exposing.
    I was the child who held it in to the point i was imploding.
    I was the child who was bullied and taunted.
    I was the child who felt different and haunted.
    I was the child who was miserable.
    I was the child who became invisible.
    I was the child who grew older.
    I am the adult with the chip on my shoulder.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this, I am also going through this incredibly hard journey of self reflection and growth now that I have a family of my own and trying to figure out why it is so easy for others to have a clean house and I have no clue. I excel in some many other things but keeping a house is not one of them, no I'm realizing I was never taught them growing up in hoarding household. Thank you for the insight. Good luck to you.

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  7. My parents were not 'extreme' hoarders, they are more of your garden variety...1 or 2 rooms filled kind of hoarders. But your list was spot on. I learned no routines, and I still struggle with a messy house. I have good friends that help me, and a cleaning lady every two weeks that catches up the things I miss. I am 45 and when I lived at home we lived in a hoard. Then I fell in love with a hoarder for 13 years of the roller coaster that loving a full on obsessive compulsive hoarder means...10 years in I moved back home with my parents...with my stuff in garbage bags...it took two years to get well, I sorted the garbage bags, dumped my boyfriend, met a wonderful man who is organized beyond a fault, fell in love and had no problems until I gave birth to 3 little mess mongers.

    My mission everyday is to keep my children from being hoarders.

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